Vanilla

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A vanilla couple - no sign of BDSM, leather or latex anywhere!

Vanilla is a term used to refer to relationships, activities and behaviours which involve no BDSM, or which can be seen to be traditional or conservative. In particular, when we refer to BDSM we're talking about relationships and activities where there is a deliberate use of power to affect, explore or penetrate ourselves and our partners. In vanilla, on the other hand, this deliberate use of power is absent, and while there may be an incidental or accidental use of power in such vanilla relationships, the absence of deliberateness can be seen as one way of recognising them.

Vanilla sex, for example, is conventional sex, such as sex in the basic missionary position, doggie style, oral sex, and so on. We move out of the realm of vanilla when---even though the actual activities may be the same---there is a deliberate exercise of power or authority which heightens the experience, such as dominance and submission.

More obviously, we also move out of the realm of vanilla when ropes, whips, chains, floggers, or a dungeon start being used.

There can be an idea of plainness associated with the term vanilla, and some BDSMers use it as a pejorative, i.e., as a way of putting down other people or their relationships, suggesting that BDSM is better.