Transfer of control

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Derived from [Masters2009], Chapter 2.1, The Process

A transfer of control is the series of psychological steps takes by a dominant and submissive when:

  1. The dominant takes control of the submissive, or
  2. The submissive resumes or retakes control from the dominant.

Being in control in a D&s relationship is a yes or no thing. For any particular aspect of a submissive's behaviour it is either the dominant or the submissive which controls it, not both at the same time. This means that control isn't divided between a dominant and a submissive, but it does mean that the dominant can be in control of some things and the submissive in control of others.

For example, if a dominant takes control and orders a submissive to her knees then she'll kneel and stay kneeling until he releases her or she retakes control herself, but while she's kneeling she may be doing other things, such as talking to other people, or doing things with her hands, which her dominant hasn't asserted control over. In this situation, he is in control of her being on her knees, but she is in control (for the moment) of who she talks to and whatever else she does except for the kneeling.

The process

The four steps involved in transferring control are:

  1. The submissive offers control. This is where they psychologically prepare themselves to give up control. This may occur at any time (even days or weeks) in advance of the actual transfer,
  2. The dominant takes control,
  3. The submissive gives up control, and
  4. The dominant accepts and asserts control.

Consider the following concrete example. The numbered steps below correspond to the numbered steps above.

  1. A submissive attends a BDSM play party with the hope and expectation that a dominant will assert himself over her. Even before she arrives at the party she has put control of herself up for the taking by a suitable dominant. This is a psychological step she makes internal to herself,
  2. A dominant approaches her and firmly grasps her by the hair or by the back of the neck. This is the dominant taking or asserting control, but it's important to note that at this stage she can still reject this gambit on his part and pull away,
  3. The submissive yields to the pressure exerted by the dominant and relaxes into it. When she doesn't reject the control-taking by him this is when she actually gives up control to him,
  4. The dominant presses her to her knees. This is where he himself accepts that he has control and begins to assert it.

Modes of failure

This process is prone to failure at any point. Because it relies on communication between the dominant and the submissive at each stage, misunderstandings or misinterpretations can lead to problems.

In the example above, if the submissive was waiting for a particular dominant and it was another dominant who approached her, then the grasping of her hair might not lead to her giving up control, but instead she might firmly assert it herself by pulling away. This other dominant may have misread the signals of availability she was sending out to her favoured dominant and be confused and embarrassed that his gambit failed.

The action of grasping the submissive's hair is unambiguous. If the control-taking action was not so clear, perhaps where the dominant asks the submissive to move aside a little so he can see better what's happening in a scene between another couple, she might interpret what he says as a control-taking command and give up control to him (i.e., be ready to do what he says), while he was just wanting a better view and had no intention of taking control. This leaves her in the awkward position of having to take control back.