Recognising BDSM relationship problems

This article is a Work-In-Progress. For more information, see about this site.

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Pre-reading

• Motivations
• Penetration

Notes

• Some people justify their interest in BDSM by saying (even if just to themselves) that it's about sex (i.e., making sex hotter) (denial)
• Many people don't know why they do it
• Projection wears off or becomes less effective at filling the gaps

Introduction

1. Some aspects of a BDSM relationship lend themselves towards analysis and diagnosis using the same techniques and understandings which apply to many "vanilla" relationships, and
2. Some don't.

This article will focus on those that don't.

What I will be talking about here is basically the realm of BDSM "counselling"---recognising and giving advice regarding the non-functioning of the BDSM aspect(s) of a relationship.

It is common that people involved in BDSM relationships don't really know why they are there. If asked they may give many reasons, such as saying that it makes sex hotter, or that they like the excitement of doing something exotic or risky, or that it merely adds variety to their otherwise drab and boring lives.

While these reasons sound OK and are even possibly true to some extent, they are also reasons which are socially acceptable. Thus they are excellent reasons to present when:

1. Justifying one's involvement in BDSM to friends, family, or colleagues who happen to find out about it, or
2. Justifying one's involvement in BDSM to oneself, particularly if of a catholic or conservative upbringing

It is much more likely that someone is involved in BDSM for one of the reasons listed in the abovementioned article on motivations. And with this particular article fresh in our minds, we can continue.

Needs common to BDSM and "vanilla" relationships

• Communication

Communication

• In a D&s or master/slave relationship, the structure of the relationship may preclude effective communication of some needs. For example:
  1. The slave or submissive may not be permitted to speak and, at times, this may prevent needs being communicated (even if not explicitly)
  2. How the master and slave, or dominant and submissive, need to behave towards each other in their particular style of relationship may preclude certain "messages" being communicated (applies to both directions!)---e.g., dominant or master not appearing "weak"