Transfer of control

A transfer of control is the series of psychological steps takes by a dominant and submissive when:

1. The dominant takes control of the submissive, or
2. The submissive resumes or retakes control from the dominant

Being in control in a D&s relationship is a yes or no thing. For any particular aspect of a submissive's behaviour it is either the dominant or the submissive which controls it, not both at the same time.

The process

The four steps involved in transferring control are:

1. The submissive offers control. This is where they psychologically prepare themselves to give up control. This may occur at any time (even days or weeks) in advance of the actual transfer
2. The dominant takes control
3. The submissive gives up control
4. The dominant accepts and asserts control

Consider the following concrete example:

1. A submissive attends a BDSM play party with the hope and expectation that a dominant will assert himself over her
2. A dominant approaches her and firmly grasps her by the hair (maybe on the back of her head)
3. The submissive yields to the pressure exerted by the dominant and relaxes into it
4. The dominant presses her to her knees

Modes of failure

This process is prone to failure at any point. Because it relies on communication between the dominant and the submissive at each stage, misunderstandings or misinterpretations can lead to problems.

In the example above, if the submissive was waiting for a particular dominant and it was another dominant who approached her, then the grasping of her hair might not lead to her giving up control, but instead she might firmly assert it by pulling away. This other dominant may have misread the signals of availability she was sending out to her favoured dominant and be confused and embarrassed that his gambit failed.

The action of grasping the submissive's hair is unambiguous. If the control-taking action was not so clear, perhaps where the dominant asks the submissive to move aside a little so he can see better what's happening in a scene between another couple, she might interpret what he says as a control-taking command and give up control to him (i.e., be ready to do what he says), while he was just wanting a better view and had no intention of taking control. This leaves her in the awkward position of having to take control back.