Three submissives walk into a bar...

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In the last couple of years I've done two kinky humour projects. One was a book, the other an online web course. After thinking about humour a lot I have made an interesting observation: Humour and kink don't go together. That's not to say that us kinky folk can't be funny, but funny is not something we really look to introduce into our activities.

Now, I should mention for those who have only just tuned in, that as far as kink is concerned I have two areas of interest. One is erotic hypnosis. Actually, "erotic hypnosis" is the politically correct name for it. Because we're all grown-ups here, I think that I could say that it's simply another way to getting into someone's pants, this time involving hypnotising them first. It can be exceptional in terms of pants-entry-success-percentage and frequently seems to work better than asking, "Do you like rope?"

My second kinky interest is BDSM.

I have a good sense of humour. Even my dentist says so and a dental surgery is not the place where you'd expect to get many laughs. I also have what could be called eclectic tastes in humour and I like Futurama, Robot Chicken, the Marx Brothers and - on the other side of the pond - Morecambe and Wise, The Goons and Monty Python.

But, to my frequent frustration, I can't really combine humour and kinkiness. I have learned that the times when either erotic hypnosis or BDSM are happening are not the times for humour.

There are good reasons why this is so.

BDSM is often at its best when we're totally focussed on it. As a master I get the most bang for my buck when I'm totally engrossed in the shared experience. Humour, on the other hand, is often a relief valve, a way of releasing tension. That's not what I'm looking for in BDSM. Well, not often, anyway. I don't want the tension or expectation to be suddenly diffused through a witty remark about, say, hamsters. Instead, I want the focus to remain tight and intense both for me and my partner.

Additionally, one of the consequences of sub-space is a state of mind which doesn't appreciate humour. I can't remember which book I wrote it in, but I've written that you don't find chess boards or Scrabble™ sets in BDSM dungeons. The states of mind we look for in BDSM are not Scrabble- or chess-compatible. They're not humour-compatible either. We're looking for something primal, not rational or intellectual. While picture books with photographs of fine-figured females in rope-assisted contortions with extraordinary objects impossibly inserted in various orifices are often welcome additions to a dungeon, collections of the Wizard of Id, Charlie Brown or Garfield are not. They don't help achieve a suitable state of mind.

In the hypnosis arena, someone who is deeply hypnotised isn't going to laugh at a joke - they're hypnotised after all. Rather than spend the time crafting some masterful witticism, you can get a much bigger laugh from them by simply telling them that they've just seen something very funny.

For someone like me with a sense of humour that sometimes just aches to get out, BDSM and erotic hypnosis can be places of strangely perverted frustrations and delights. There can be intense excitement, challenge and joy in each but, sadly, no bad puns.

Beforehand and, er, afterhand we can joke around and tease, but during scenes when the profound is at stake it's appropriate to remain serious.

I thought that before I wrap up this little essay, I'd share with you some jokes.

As far as jokes go, hypnosis is very poorly represented. The only hypnosis joke I've every heard or read goes basically as follows.

A stage hypnotist hypnotises a group of people. Once they're under and he's ready to start the main part of his show, a bee lands on him and stings him. In a loud voice he yells, "Shit!" It takes weeks to clean up the theatre.

On the other hand, there seem to be many more BDSM-related jokes.

Q. Why does a man start panting, go weak at the knees and act crazy when a woman wears a leather dress?

A. Because she smells like a new truck.

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Q. What's green and carries a whip?

A. Kermit the Flog

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Two women meet for the first time after high school. As they discuss what they do now, their husbands, kids, their sex lives, etc., one happens to mention S&M.

The other is surprised, "Why, Jenny! I never thought you were the type for that."

Jenny replies, "Why, sure. While Roger snores, I masturbate."

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One day a woman was cleaning her son's bedroom and found an S&M magazine. When her husband came home that night she showed it to him and asked what they should do about it. The husband replied, "Well, I certainly don't think we should spank him!"