Looking for a master

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Dear valued customer,

Thank you for contacting Masters-R-Us and enquiring about our range of masters.

At the moment we are well-stocked with the Mighty Master Man which has a pull-string on the back. Pull the ring attached to the string and he speaks! Among the phrases he can say are:

• Kneel, bitch!
• Bring me my flogger!
• What a lovely arse!
• Adopt the position!
• Oops. Sorry. I didn't mean to hit there.
• Is it supposed to look like that?
• I didn't think that was supposed to happen.
• When is it my turn?
• Sorry about that. I'll buy you a new one first thing tomorrow.
• Oh. I know why it's dark - it's you who is supposed to wear the blindfold!
• Hold this for a moment.
• I promise you that I really do know how to tie knots.
• I washed it and it shrunk.
• I used to have one but they took it away as evidence in a police enquiry.

The Mighty Master Man is available in two models. The Action Master has a real black leather cap and vest and real black leather chaps. The Holiday Master has a Hawaiian shirt, straw beach hat, shorts and sandals. Each comes with a colour-coordinated flogger.

When shopping around for a master keep in mind that they don't make masters like they used to. It's well known that the older masters last much longer than the newer ones. And when you're trying to work out which buttons to push to get what you want, with the newer ones you often only get instructions in some language which seems like it might be English but it's been translated from Swahili by someone with a cheap dictionary or who has only read the Dummy's Guide to Domination and who was in a hurry to go home for the day.

A useful master should also have an off switch. Often they just want attention at all the wrong times and it's good if you can turn them off. Otherwise they can be like the Energiser Bunny and you have to put them in some corner and let them bang their little cymbals or wave their little floggers until their get up and go has got up and went.

When you're really feeling driven to find a master, you may be tempted to consider bait to trap one. I won't say the obvious remark about master baiting, but as long as you're looking for a master who is a dude then tits are pretty much all you need. Master dudes are quite simple that way. Quality can be quite variable if you trap one and I would recommend sticking with an emporium such as our own which has a proven track record.

With persistence you can be lucky. When you find the right master it's like finding the toy you were really, really, really hoping to find in that packet of cornflakes. It's Christmas in your underwear!

If you have any further questions or if we can be of further assistance, please don't hesitate to call or write. Further details on our range can be found in our online catalogue at http://www.masters-r-us.com/

Yours,

Peter Masters