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It seems to me that kinky sex is simply an active search for sexual expression and experience through non-conventional means.
This definition means that what kinky sex is actually depends on the person you're talking to and what they think is conventional. Some very conservative people might think that doggy-style sex is kinky while more liberal-minded folk might only start thinking "kinky" when it involves dressing like a clown.
And I suppose that there'd be some folk who'd think that sex between a man and a woman, where they're both on a bed, where the guy's on top, she's on her back and they're face to face, is kinky sex.
But for some of us BDSM folk, sex has another obvious role beyond both making our nether regions feel extraordinarily good and making new BDSM enthusiasts. It's the power which sex has which we can use as a tool in our explorations of authority.
I would take a wild guess and say that sex is so powerful for us humans because Mother Nature, God or whichever kinky deity you subscribe to wanted the human race to go forth and multiply and what better way to ensure that happens than by making multiplication an exceptionally pleasurable and intense form of arithmetic?
So, because we have this drive to get down and boogie, manipulating opportunities to do "it" and controlling how "it" is done are both excellent ways to drive home - so to speak - the authority, power and control we BDSM folk strive to experience.
I think though, that it's worth comparing these two goals of sex and see how they fit in with what it is that each of us does in our BDSM lives and play.
On the one hand we use sexual activities to satisfy sexual needs. On the other hand, we use sexual activities to either assert authority or control over our partner or to subject ourselves to our partner's authority or control. In some cases, probably a lot of them, we do both at the same time.
It is easy for these two very different goals to blur. It can be that we start seeing BDSM just as a superior way of scratching the itch our pink bits feel. And, of course, combining rope play, a flogger and some lubrication can very easily lead to more intense sex than the horizontal hula just on its own. But we're not just after super sex. We're also exploring domination, mastery, surrender and submission. Or, at least, we should be if we're calling ourselves BDSMers.
Sex is awesome, and I'd never say anything to diminish its value. But it is important to not allow what we could call straight sexual satisfaction and the hunt for the mighty orgasm to get in the way of that other experience we BDSM folk pursue, namely the above mentioned explorations and feelings of mastery, slavery, dominance and submission. These can be equally or even more important for some folk, but the intensity of sexual feelings can be an exciting and seductive lure away from them.
So, with this introduction, I'd like to pose some questions for you to think about in regards to sex - straight and kinky - in your own BDSM life and relationships:
- Is it possible to have vanilla sex in your BDSM relationship?
- Does sex need to be a part of BDSM? It's true that sex can be both an intense experience and a powerful tool in a BDSM context, but is it a requirement?
- What purpose does sex serve in your BDSM relationship? Does it have to do with service? Does it have to do with authority or power? Does it have to do with surrender?
- What is the experience of sex for a dominant, and how does this compare to sex for a submissive? Does gender affect this?
I think we should think about such questions from time to time to help us remember that we're often using sex to satisfy very different needs. We should be careful that we don't let any of them become neglected.