I have lost my master. What do I do now?

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DEAR PETER: I really enjoyed your workshop today.

One of the things you mentioned was that when a slave gives up all control to someone, they find an inner peace in being who they are, a sort of completeness.

But, conversely, when they're no longer in that situation with a master, this inner peace is very hard to find. I'm in that situation now, having lost my Master eight months ago. I find that I'm having difficulty functioning with that emptiness in my life. It sometimes I'm not really living and that I'm instead just going through the motions.

I was wanting to ask you how a slave gets through this. It's like I won't ever have that completeness again, and I don't know what to do to move on. I feel really desperate and I'm worried that I'll give myself to the wrong Master just to try to get that peace again.



DEAR CLARISSA: I'm glad that you found the workshop useful :)

As we talked about at the workshop, in many cases it seems that a slave is a slave even before she has met her first master or has surrendered the first time. The slave is inside her, but hasn't been explored or released. When a good master comes along and allows this side of her to be exposed, it comes into focus and the perhaps-unrecognised needs she has crystallise and she first becomes consciously aware of the feelings and hungers she has.

I, personally, don't think that the nature of a slave changes that much from master to master, but each master is going to be different and is going to explore or activate different aspects of the slave. Perhaps I can give you this analogy: there is large slave-shaped space in every slave's mind and being. But this actual shape varies from slave to slave, and it contains service, surrender, hunger for pain, hunger to abandon themselves, hunger to feel penetrated, and so on, but all in varying degrees. Some slaves are going to be more service-oriented, for example, while others may have a stronger need to be penetrated.

In any case, when a master comes along, he is most likely going to trigger some parts of the slave more than others. A different master might trigger another combination of parts. It's still the core of the slave that is being activated, just some parts more than others, and the fact that it's different from one master to another doesn't mean that it's less, just different. In fact, as a slave gains more experience with different masters, it can be that the increased understanding they get along the journey can help them be more of a slave and to find other areas within themselves which they can present to their masters. We could perhaps compare it to sex and virginity. A virgin having sex the first time, even with an experienced lover, is not going to experience the full range of sexuality of which she is capable. Instead, as she gains experience, learns about herself, and encounters different lovers, her own needs will become more focused, and what she can give will become broader as she realises her own possibilities.

My point with this is that your experience with your last master will help you be a better slave to your next, and will help you find more intensity and satisfaction at the same time. Although painful, what you're going through will help you with your next master because you have learned something about yourself and your needs.

In terms of what to do now, there seem to be two issues:

  1. Finding a new master (safely),
  2. Dealing with the needs and wants you have now.

Addressing the needs you feel now is important, partly because you're not happy, and also because---as you noted---if you have deep and unsatisfied hungers you may surrender to the wrong master out of near desperation.

Try to make a list of the needs you have. Do you hunger to serve? Do you hunger for the opportunity to completely surrender with someone who appreciates you and who can take care of you? While you probably can't get your needs met completely outside of a full M/s relationship, maybe you can get them scratched a little in a safe context. If you went to, say, a regular local BDSM play party, and gave yourself to a master for the evening while a friend keeps their eye on you, would that help? If you need to serve, could you find some opportunity to serve somewhere else, even volunteering for a charity, or helping out a play party. Even though it wouldn't be ideal, it still might be useful.

Once you have your needs in hand, then you can more safely look for a new master. It might be a good idea to involve a friend in this, perhaps another submissive, who can help you recognise when you are acting more out of pent-up hunger than good, long-term choice.

I hope the above helps, and good luck :)