How much?

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How much BDSM is enough BDSM?

Some things don't have a BDSM component. The garbage may need to be taken out, hair might need to be washed, shopping may need to be done, or the car may need to be filled with petrol. These things are very difficult to do submissively or dominantly. They're things you just do.

On the other hand, things like bondage, cages, flogging, formal protocol and service are chock full of BDSM.

It means that through the course of the day we can have opportunities which are very BDSM-ey (pronounced "B-D-S-M-ee") interspersed with things which aren't BDSM-ey at all.

How do we find a balance?

It becomes a bit more complicated when we consider that not all BDSM is the same. Wielding a mighty flogger against a submissive's bare and receptive posterior is not like tying them up and dangling them from the ceiling, the same as eating lasagne isn't like eating grilled fish. Well, that's a sort of pointless food comparison there, but what I'm trying to say is that some people don't like lasagne anyway and may want to do piercing or an intense sexual deprivation scene instead.

Is it appropriate then to have a sort of BDSM diet planned ahead of time, maybe a weekly or monthly calendar showing the BDSM delights we're planning on consuming? Every second Monday we might dangle heavy weights off a pair of convenient labia. On Thursdays we do an hour of metal bondage followed by some testicle fondling. Most evenings it's then dinner served in a french maid's outfit and on Fridays it's the dominant who wears the outfit. Weekday mornings we start the day with some grovelling and on Saturdays and Sundays a little bit of golden showers in the bathroom.

Is that too organised? Should it be more spontaneous? Should we maybe do it like take-away with a menu stuck to the fridge door and each evening we go up to the menu and say, "Hmmmm. Tonight I think I'll have a serving of intense impact play with a side order of boob torture. And then I think I'd like to finish off with some quick fornication."

It's clear that when you're in the dungeon or tangled up in rope, or when you're knee-deep in evil torture devices and vibrators in the bedroom that you want your BDSM to be on, On, ON!

Do you want it on all the time? Should it ever be completely off, or can it simply be on the back burner or hidden away? I know dominant/submissive couples who, when visiting their vanilla families, still stay as dominant and submissive, but just play it out in a more socially acceptable way by deferring respectively (submissive) or asking politely (dominant).

I think that a combination of spontaneous and planned BDSM is the best. Allowing yourselves to be spontaneous allows you to take adantage of unexpected urges and unplanned opportunities, while planned activities allow you to savour the build-up to and expectation of what is to come.

Above all though, I think the most important thing is to make sure that there's always quality time and energy so that your BDSM wants and needs can get met fully without it seeming like you fit it in between other engagements. In other words, make sure that you give your BDSM the priority it deserves.