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I like the submissives and slaves in my life to be knowledgeable. Well…, to be honest, I like everyone in my life to be knowledgeable, but I'm writing about BDSM here and BDSM-wise the people I like to hang around with are submissives and slaves (preferably young, fit and female, with big boobs, but I'm a guy so shoot me, but that's a separate topic).
Anyway, when I say knowledgeable, I don't just mean having technical knowledge or skills, but being knowledgeable and aware about what's happening between them and me, and particularly what's happening inside them. I want them to understand submission and slavery. I want them to know surrender, to feel it, to recognise it, to not be afraid of it.
I am, in fact, looking for fully-informed surrender.
Which, of course, means that I prefer an informed partner. One who chooses to stay ignorant is one who I quickly scrub from my list. Instead, one who chooses to learn, one who asks questions, whose need to learn burns deep inside her, she is the one I hunger to explore, dominate and control.
I long ago gave up the idea of trying to be an amazing man of mystery. For a brief time when I was young it used to be exciting when a fine female would put me on a pedestal and think I was awesome. My ego loved it, but it disconnected me from these women. It created distance.
Instead, I want these females to know the real place I have in their surrender. I am just a dude - a dude who writes, who is knowledgeable, who has done interesting things, who has faced interesting challenges, and who himself strives to learn. I want my place in the lives of these females to be due to the real me, not a fantasy me or a me-on-a-pedestal.
For that reason I deliberately make an effort NOT to be a man of mystery. I don't keep secrets. I don't try to keep submissives or slaves in the dark. If they ask something, I answer. Even if they don't ask, I'm quite likely to explain. I don't want their surrender because of ignorance. I want..., or better said, I need their fully-informed surrender because then I know that it's really me who is a part of it. Then it is intense. Then it is personal and intimate.
I try to present myself as I am. For example, I freely admit that I am particular bad at bondage. Knots stay in place as long as my partner doesn't move, stretch, twitch or breath. If they do any of these, the ropes fall off. I don't know why. They just do.
I've found that saying, "I don't know," can be one of the most powerful things. It often directs my own explorations when I'm writing. I try to share, even to teach, through my books and articles. When I'm trying to explain something, to connect some ideas so that they make sense, I might reach a gap and realise that I can't connect idea A to idea C because I don't know idea B and need to find it. It's like a join-the-dots drawing where you have to provide some of the dots yourself.
"I don't know" is also a powerful thing to say to a submissive or slave when they ask something. I'd argue that a submissive or slave who is fully-aware of their dominant's or master's shortcomings as much as his strengths is going to surrender more, not less.
And, in fact, this is the reality I'm looking for. This is the surrender I'm looking for. One based on knowing, on awareness, on no secrets, and on no ignorance.