Out and about with a submissive or slave

When you're out and about in public, or when you're with family or friends who aren't aware of the D&s nature of your relationship with your partner, many of the more overt BDSM activities you might do at home---such as having your submissive naked, tied up, on a leash, or dangling from the ceiling---aren't entirely practical.

BDSM doesn't need to stop in these situations. It just needs to go underground a little. There are many ways you can actively exercise your BDSM relationship with your partner when non-BDSM folk are about and may be watching. Here are a few suggestions.

Play and torture

Sometimes BDSM can be about playing with your partner, having them physically at your mercy, and even deliciously torturing them and seeing them in agony. Out in public there are a few different ways you can do this that won't be at all obvious to the people around you. Only you and your submissive will know.

• Require your submissive to put on a camel-hair shirt before you go out.
• Put your submissive in a cock cage or chastity belt. Cock cages are perhaps more fun in this regard because you can sexually tease your submissive and see them writhe as the cock cage does its work. A chastity belt offers less opportunities, but just the fact and awareness that it's being worn can be quite effective.
• A remote-controlled vibrator inserted into one of your submissive's orifices before you go out, with you having the remote control in your pocket, can make even walking in a straight line an interesting challenge for your submissive as you make the vibrator do its thing.
• A full-body under-the-clothing rope harness can also add a BDSM edge to any movements your submissive makes. As they walk, turn, sit, bend over, they'll feel the rope rub against their skin or genitals, or feel it constrict their movements.

Dominance and submission

BDSM doesn't need to be about play, and out in public can be an ideal place to exercise the dominance and submission side of your relationship. It's here that you explore control and authority over your submissive without using the typical accoutrements of BDSM, such as ropes, floggers, or chains. Instead you command, and your submissive serves and obeys.

Again, very obvious displays of obedience or service, such as having your submissive kneel at your feet in a department store, stand rigidly at attention, or address you as "Sir" or "Ma'am" in front of your family, may not go down all that well. There are, however, things which can be just as formal and require strict obedience, but which are only apparent to you and your submissive.

A restaurant example

A restaurant is a good example of a place where you'll be amongst members of the public and staff who don't know about your D&s relationship with your submissive. The key is defining a formal protocol, or set of rules, in advance which is very clear to your and to your submissive, but which others won't notice.

Here are some ideas:

• Your submissive is not allowed to begin eating a course, or to begin drinking from a new, changed, or refilled glass until you yourself begin eating or drinking, or until you give them explicit permission.

• Your submissive is not permitted to interrupt you, and must always and immediately yield the conversation when you signal that you wish to interrupt or to speak.

• Your submissive must seek approval in advance for, or change, what they order to eat and drink, as per your wishes.

• In a buffet-type restaurant, or where you have to order at the counter, you take your seat immediately and tell your submissive what you want. They then do the ordering, get the drinks, collect the cutlery and napkins, lay the table, etc.

• If your submissive is male, they are required to remain standing until you're seated and then they push in your chair. This assumes you're female, of course.

• If your submissive is female, they are required to remain standing until you direct them to sit and, optionally, you may push in their chair. This assumes you are male.

All of the above can be done without others noticing that there's anything more than politeness going on. As well, many of the above suggestions will work well in other semi-closed environments, such as shops, and also in sit-down gatherings with family and friends.

Out and about in public

When you're out somewhere on foot, such as walking to some destination, or walking from shop to shop, the following suggestions may be useful:

• Your submissive must always walk one pace behind and to the left of you, except when you stop, and except to open doors for you, which your submissive must always do, allowing you to go through first and then following you.

• When it's cold or rainy, your submissive has the responsibility of taking your umbrella, overcoat, hat, etc. when you enter somewhere such as a home or apartment, a restaurant, or a shop, and taking care of them (e.g., hanging them up). On the way out your submissive is required to get everything back to you, including helping you put on your overcoat and hat, etc.

• When out shopping, your submissive is required to carry whatever parcels or bags you hand to them, to push trolleys, and to generally expect to be a pack mule.

• If you normally carry a bag or backpack, as many people do these days, your sub is required to carry and take care of yours for as long as you choose.

• If there's a need to stand in a queue, that's your submissive's job.

What's happening here

Just as with much of BDSM, there are two distinct purposes in these public activities:

1. For your submissive to be of service to you, even if just as a play toy, and
2. For you and your submissive to actively feel and explore your dominance and submission.

These two purposes may merge or blur, or may be quite obvious and distinct, depending on what you and your partner are doing. Ultimately, of course, it is about the feelings and reactions you both have, about how much these effect and penetrate you. If the effect is only shallow then it probably won't be that satisfying, though it may be a lot of fun. The more profound feelings and reactions, and the deeper inside you that you feel them, will be the ones which are the most satisfying and rewarding.

Carrying an overcoat, a hat, or parcels is clearly your submissive providing you with a useful service. It may or may not also carry with it strong feelings. For some submissives this sort of service can be very powerful. On the other hand, strict behaviour rules at a meal are only penetrative and aren't intended to be useful per se. Instead they are mainly intended to allow you both the feel your BDSM in action. They are a way to explicitly explore BDSM feelings and reactions and they provide no service beyond this.

Having your submissive or slave always walk on your left is both penetrative and useful---you get to feel some measure of control because your movements control theirs, it's useful that you always know where they are and that they never get in your way, and they get to feel controlled because what you do dictates what they do.

Part of what we're discussing here is what's called protocol. These are rules which are established in advance and which determine the behaviour of people of different rank in regards to each other. While your submissive should be your equal in terms of their value in your relationship, in terms of protocol they have lower rank than you and the rules should be designed to reflect that.

You should keep in mind that there is always some protocol or set of rules in place. At times things should be very formal, and at others relaxed, but your submissive is always your submissive and how they behave towards you must reflect that. They must always be polite and respectful, never lose their temper, and always be open and ready for you. Within that framework you can and should allow them to speak openly at times, and you should be non-judgmental when this happens so that they learn they can trust you. At other, perhaps more formal times they should be more listeners than speakers.

Notes and fine tuning

• If you are expecting to meet up with a potential new submissive for a chat or interview, it can be useful and effective to lay down ground rules in advance which you expect them to follow. Rules such as the ones I mentioned above for restaurants are not invasive and will give you some idea about how open and responsive this person will be to you.

• When you're with family or friends who aren't aware of D&s side of your relationship with your submissive, you can direct your submissive to use politeness to additionally mask the D&s. For example, May I open the door for you?", "May I push in your chair?", etc.

• You can use additional signals with your submissive. For example, when you seemingly-casually rock your empty glass from side to side, this is a signal to your submissive that you want them to refill your glass. Or, when you lean back in your chair with your hands behind your head, this is a signal that you are ready to leave and that your submissive should wind up their conversation and get ready to go.

See also

• Protocol