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When we’re talking about BDSM, then sticking needles in your partner, carving designs into their flesh with a scalpel, or dangling them upside down and naked from a beam and beating their backside with a heavy cane, can all be part of a good evening’s fun. But these also have the potential to go wrong. Not in the sense of an accident occurring—which is always a possibility—but instead when they stop being fun or satisfying or rewarding. The thing which makes BDSM a positive experience is the state of mind of the people involved. What happens when that state of mind isn’t there, or when it goes away mid-scene?
And why do activities like the ones I mentioned above—which are clearly going to involve a lot of pain, a fair amount of discomfort, and a great deal of effort—count as profound, rewarding, and intimate experiences between two people in the first place? More particularly, how can we tell when these things which we do are good, and how can we tell when they turn bad and the hurt becomes harm?
Firstly, I think we need to understand the difference between hurt and harm.
Hurt is simply something which wounds or damages us. We can fall over and get hurt. We can have surgery and the scar can hurt. We can break-up with our partner and this can hurt. In BDSM we can endure a flogging and this can hurt, as can being cut with our partner’s knife, or when they thrust hypodermic needles through our skin.
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